Benny and Joooooooon
by The Spastic Forkie
Summary: IT'S ALIIIIIVE! The parody everyone hates to love written by the author everyone loves to love! Ah, heh. Just read it. ...Please?
1. Benny's Craptastic Life

"_You played a hand and you lost. You lost a big fucking hand, but some people lose a big hand like that and still have the shit to ante up again." _—Good Will Hunting

Eat me, Fanfiction.

* * *

**_Benny and Joooooon_**

_By GollumRox_

Once upon a time in a remote land called Washington, there lived a happy mechanic named Benny. In fact, he was SO happy, he happened to be gay.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

So our story begins with Benny the happy mechanic and his good ol' friend Mr. Stumpy having a little chat instead of random footage of a train and a painting. Why? Because the author doesn't damn well feel like it.

"And then she said to me 'Why don't you just go get a job?!'" explained Mr. Stumpy as Benny was fixing an engine. "Jeezum Crowe, Benny. What's that supposed to mean? I mean…job? What's it mean to get a job?"

Benny took the wrench out of his mouth to respond. "I think it means to fill out an application for a business and then work there."

"Yeah, but what does she mean about ME getting a job? I have a job. I work for you."

"No you don't. I fired you two months ago. You just keep showing up."

Mr. Stumpy furrowed his brow as he tried to recall the memo. "Hmm…oh, right. Ohhhh, okay. So that would explain the, uh…oh, all right. It's all coming back to me. …Damn."

Just then, a clanking noise was heard and Benny's good buddy Eric called out in a panic. "Benny, fuel line!"

Mr. Stumpy shrieked like the pansy he was and dove underneath a table while Benny made the wiser decision by making a dramatic scene and performing a Matrix-worthy kick of a bucket over to the leaking fuel. The bucket slid stealthily until it successfully reached its destination and caught the dripping gas.

Eric yawned. "Tha—"

"Oh, no, no," Benny interrupted, waving a modest hand. "Thank YOU."

Mr. Stumpy sniffled and emerged from his fetal position. "So do you want me to leave, or what?" he casually asked.

"Well, you really have no purpose here," Benny replied.

Mr. Stumpy shrugged and lit himself a joint.

"AY!" Benny suddenly yelled, sounding a lot like Cartman from South Park. "Don't smoke in here, there's a fuel line broke! Dipshit!"

He then proceeded to smack Mr. Stumpy upside the head.

"My bad," Mr. Stumpy apologized and tossed the lit match over his shoulder towards Eric.

"And you wonder why I fired you," Benny muttered as a huge fire exploded from the other side of the garage and Eric's pained screams were heard.

A guy wearing a red and white striped shirt and a matching hat slid into the room, trying to suppress giggles as he flattened himself against the wall.

"Hey, Benny," he whispered and both Benny and Mr. Stumpy looked up at him. "Where aaaaam I?"

"You're right next to the tool rack," he listlessly replied, returning to his work.

"How do you knooooooowww?" the creepy guy sang back.

"Because I can bloody see you," he snapped. He then paused to admire his use of a British curse. "What do you want, Waldo?"

Instead of answering, the creep now known as Waldo scurried over to the adjacent wall and leaned against a blue tarp.

"NOW where am I?"

"You're by the tarp," Benny replied without looking up. "Is there something you wanted?"

"You have a phooooooone caaaaaaaall."

"From whooooo?" he mocked.

"From Joooooooooooooon."

"Tell her I'm buuuuuusy."

"It's an emerrrrrrgency."

This caught Benny off guard. "What?"

"You're out of graaaaaape juuuuuuice."

"Holy CRAP, I have to take this!" Benny shrieked, tossing down his wrench and diving for the phone next to Waldo. "JOON! Are you there?! Can you hear me?!"

"GUYS! GUYS HELP ME!!!" Eric screamed as he rolled around on the ground trying to put out the flames that were burning up his flesh.

"Shh!" Mr. Stumpy hissed. "Quiet! He's on the phone!"

§

An hour and a half later, Benny was still on the phone sorting out the grape juice deal with Joon. At the same time, he tried assisting a woman with her car payments at the front desk, but unfortunately, he learned he wasn't very good at multitasking.

"Yeah, I know," he muttered into the phone, pressing random buttons on his cash register. "All right, all right. Ok—okay! All right. No, I'm not. No, YOU are. No, YOU are! No, YOU—all right, I am. No. Yes, I know. Okay. Okay! All—I kn—Ok—Le—W—Don't—OKAY! YOU shut up! No, YOU shut up! I love you too. Bye."

He set the phone back into the cradle and looked up at the woman.

"Sorry, it'll just be a second," he apologized and then tried to figure out what he did to the cash register while he was on the phone.

"That's fine," she replied sweetly.

Did I mention she was rather hot? Mmm, rawr.

"Was that your girlfriend?"

"No."

"Do you have a girlfriend?"

"No."

"Do you want a girlfriend?"

"No."

"Are you straight?"

"No."

"Oh."

During the awkward silence, Benny just made up a list of problems with the car along with the sum of the prices and decided to present it to the lady he didn't find attractive.

"So your total is $947.14," Benny stated.

"What?!" she sputtered. "Are you serious? I only had a flat tire!"

"That's actually a pretty good deal," he said defensively.

"Uh huh. So if I go down the street to Shucks and flash the manager, I'll still get a price over the amount of $947.14?"

"Uhm…I think so."

The woman only stared back at Benny sardonically for a very long time.

"…I'm going to Shucks," she finally told him as she headed out the door.

"Have a nice day!" Benny called after her. "And die tomorrow," he finished under his breath.

§

Since the economy was tanking and gas prices were going through the roof, Benny found it more efficient to walk to and from work. So later that day, he was strolling down his street towards his house, humming a happy tune and taking in the scenery.

Surprisingly enough, his happy humming and massive intake of scenery was just enough to drown out the loud noises coming from his house.

"MY HAIRSPRAY! DON'T YOU DARE, YOU STUPID WENCH!"

"Doody doody doo…" Benny sang as he lollygagged.

A loud crash and thud erupted from the house followed by, "IF I WEREN'T GETTING PAID I'D TAKE THIS BAT AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!"

"What a beautiful day!" he commented as he studied the sickeningly gray sky.

A few dogs began to bark when another crash came from the house.

"OHHH, THAT'S _IT!_ GET OVER HERE!"

Benny paused on his porch to smell a pot of azaleas.

Then, what sounded like a body tumbling down the stairs was heard shortly thereafter followed by a shatter of glass and another crash.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

Grinning like an idiot, Benny swung open the door and stepped inside his lovely house.

"I'm ho—" he began but was cut off when his mildly psychotic sister collided with him and then bolted into the next room. "Joon, come back! Tell me about your day!"

Next, the morbidly obese Irish housekeeper, Mrs. Smalley, came bombing into the foyer, a fire poker in one raised arm.

"GET BACK HERE, DEVIL!" she screamed as she followed Joon into the next room. Benny shrugged and crossed the room to hang his coat.

Mrs. Smalley returned to the foyer a few seconds later, fire in her beady little eyes.

"WHERE IS SHE?!" she demanded of nobody in particular.

Before Benny was about to answer her burning question, Joon burst into the room with a hairspray bottle pointed at the housekeeper in one hand and a blowtorch in another.

"DON'T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!" were the last requests of Mrs. Smalley before Joon pressed down on the spray, emitting a mist of sticky particles directly at the housekeeper's body. She then proceeded to ignite the mist with the blowtorch until Mrs. Smalley was a huge ball of flames.

"GAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!" she proclaimed, running around in circles.

Joon dropped her weapons and sprinted up the stairs.

"Hey, Joon, that wasn't very nice," Benny called after her.

"I'M ON FIRE!" Mrs. Smalley told Benny, rather loudly and maniacally.

"Oh, here. I'll get that," he assured her as he grabbed a nearby fire extinguisher and sprayed the contents on the housekeeper.

Unfortunately, the contents were paper snakes which shot out and only fed the fire more.

"What the—?!" Benny mused before he took a look at the label on the fire extinguisher.

It read: 'Joke Fire Extinguisher'.

"Should've seen that coming," he muttered, tossing it aside.

"STILL ON FIRE!!!" Mrs. Smalley reminded him.

"Oh, right!"

Benny grabbed a real fire extinguisher and succeeded in extinguishing the fire as that was what fire extinguishers were supposed to do. Instead of being a ball of flames, Mrs. Smalley was now dripping with white foam, slightly sizzling and emitting a rank stench.

"Is that better?" Benny asked.

A piece of her charred hair snapped off, fell to the floor and disintegrated on impact.

"Okay, I am getting the fook out of here," she decided and brushed past Benny towards the door.

"What?! No! You can't go! I need you! Who's going to watch Joon while I'm at work all day?!" he objected as he ran after her.

"You know, you don't NEED to have her at home all day! There are places called group homes where you can dump off freakish punks like her and move on with your life!"

"Well, that's…not a bad idea. But in the meantime, please don't go! You can't leave me like this! Just give her one more chance!"

"No! I refuse to endanger my life! There's an old saying in Ireland, Mr. Pearl. What did the ocean say to the sea?"

"Uhm…I don't know."

"NOTHING! It just waved!" she concluded before wheeling around and storming out the door.

"…That doesn't make any—"

The door slammed.

Benny stood cemented in his place for a very long time. In the distance a coyote howled and a tumbleweed rolled across the floor.

"WHY, JOON, WHY?!" he screamed and fell to the ground.

§

GollumRox read over those last few sentences, shrugged, and decided to post it on fanfiction. She was too tired and sleepy from staying up til 2:30 watching her stupid show to laugh maniacally at the fanfiction dictators for resurrecting her story and decided to just slump in her seat and allow Ewan and Jude to laugh and throw cabbage at the computer, thinking it would affect the fanfiction people.


	2. Of Fangirls and Medieval Jousting Helmet...

Later that day, Benny was found talking to a badly burned Eric over the phone whilst making his favorite dish of Honey Nut Cheerio casserole with cheese.

"What's she going to do? She paints and she reads," Eric objected as he lay in his bed.

"Yeah, she paints, she reads, she lights things on fire," Benny replied, removing the casserole from the oven and fanning it cool with a mitt.

"We have a fire extinguisher. Bring her."

"She'll light THAT on fire."

"No she won't. You're too paranoid. Just bring her over and we'll chain her to the floor or something. That way, she won't get into any trouble and we can all be joyous and happy and sing Kumbaya like good old times."

"Well," Benny sighed. "All right. I'll bring her along."

"Good boy. Now, get your ass over here and don't be la—HEY!"

Eric's reticent girlfriend wriggled under the sheets.

"What happened?" Benny asked, half-interested.

"Nothing! I…stubbed my toe on the desk! Are you still there?"

"Uh…no."

With that, Benny hung up the phone and moved the casserole over to the table.

In the living room, Joon was busy painting a very detailed picture of a piece of white computer paper on her canvas.

"Joon!" Benny called from the kitchen. "DEEENER!"

"Hot diggity dog!" Joon proclaimed in delight and scurried into the kitchen where she helped herself to a jar of mayonnaise.

"So what made you light Mrs. Smalley on fire?" Benny asked, slightly disappointed at his sister's lack of interest in his casserole.

"She said 'If I was a little girl like you'."

"…And?"

"She was grammatically incorrect! It was supposed to be 'If I WERE a little girl like you'."

"Good God, Joon. She's a housekeeper, not an English professor."

"Well, still. If she's going to live in America, she might as well learn to speak American."

"What was wrong with Mrs. Hartje?"

"Her boobs dragged on the floor," Joon shuddered.

"And Mrs. Vail?"

"A woman psycholicly and hygienically disturbed. …She had mold growing on the side of her face. Let's face it, Benhulio, finding decent housekeepers is not your forte."

"Yah, well, until I DO find a decent housekeeper, you're going to stick to the house. Literally. I'm going to superglue you to the floor until I get home." Benny reached into his back pocket and pulled out a squished burrito and dropped it on her plate. "Now eat your bean burrito I got for a bargain at 7 Eleven. Oh, and by the way…" Benny pretended to cough into his arm as he said: "I'm taking you to my poker game tonight. Ahem!"

A look of disappointment came over Joon's face. "Benny…"

"What? You'll have tons of fun!"

§

And so, Joon, at the steering wheel, and Benny made their way along the lovely neighborhood road in their lovely neighborhood car ever so lovingly.

That is, until they crossed the railroad tracks and were promptly struck by a speeding train.

"Benny? Benny!"

Benny suddenly snapped out of his daydream and looked across the trunk of the car where Joon jingled the car keys.

"Let's go," she said.

"Ya know…maaaaaaybe I should drive," Benny slowly said, taking the keys from her.

"But why?"

"Joon, you don't even have a license."

"So?" Then she leaned close to him. "Dey don't gots ta know dat."

"…Get in."

§

This time, when Benny and Joon were driving their lovely gas hog car down their lovely street, it wasn't a daydream. Although it seemed like it when Joon took a gander out of her window and saw—

_Ding dong!_

GollumRox, Ewan, and Jude dropped everything they were doing to turn and look at the bedroom door.

"Since when did I get a doorbell installed?" she asked herself. "Oh well. Let's see who it is. Come in!"

The door swung open and a long line of teenage girls filed into the room.

"What's all this then?" Ewan demanded. GollumRox shrugged cluelessly.

"Hello," said one of the girls who appeared to be the leader. "We are the Destroy Sean Penn Association Organization Club."

"Uhm…" GollumRox began, still unsure of how to react to all this. "Hi. Uh, this is Ewan, that's Jude, and I'm Go—"

"We know who you are," she interrupted.

"Really? That's…creepy. So what is it that you guys want?"

"First of all, we are here to inform you that we are aware of your identification because of your previous experiences with our organization prior to the time it was estab—"

"Could you talk a little more like teenage girls, please?" Ewan requested.

"Yeah, okay," the leader shrugged. "We came to you because of your previous dealings with our organization."

"But I haven't heard anything about the Destroy Sean—"

"Let me finish. We've talked amongst ourselves and decided that we needed a president for our club. Knowing your history, we decided to choose you."

"My history?"

"Yes. You are one of the few veteran Obsessive Johnny Depp Fanatical Fangirls still alive and active in our cult. Your records date back to as early as June of 2001."

"What? Just because I've been obsessed with Johnny longer than most of you have been in middle school, you've decided to chose me as your president?"

"Affirmative."

"Am I supposed to be flattered by this?"

"Becoming our president takes a lot of hard effort and persistence. If you are not up to the difficult task, our empire shall crumble."

"…You didn't answer my question."

"Forkie, just be the president. Then you can dictate them and boss them around!" Jude suggested.

"Well, all right, fine. I'll be your bloody president."

Every single girl in the room let out a loud, high-pitched squeal and bounced around before they abruptly stopped and fell silent.

"Very good," the leader said. "What is your first plan of action?"

"Uhm…"

Ewan snorted and beckoned GollumRox to lean close to him to whisper something in her ear. Jude crawled over and listened in as well. All the while, the girls just stood and waited patiently.

"All right," GollumRox began as soon as Ewan was done. "First, I want you all to leave my room. Secondly, use all your money in the foundation to go to Shopko just down the street and buy Conan O'Brien's 10th Anniversary Edition DVD along with the entire stock of Lucky Charms cereal. And…what else?"

Ewan whispered the rest into her ear.

"And a box of packing peanuts and bubble wrap. And bring them all back here."

"Right away, Ms. President." The leader, along with the rest of the girls saluted by making the 'J' in sign language and then a 'D' on their foreheads and throwing them in the air before they turned and exited the room.

"…What the hell was that?" Jude asked after a while.

"No idea. But you're getting Lucky Charms."

"Why'd you have to ask for the Conan O'Brien DVD, Forkie?" Ewan whined. "Now you're going to be sitting there watching that and not paying any attention to us!"

"That was the whole point."

Anyways, back to the bloody story…

"Yeah, about time," Benny grumbled, causing Joon to look over in confusion.

"What?"

"Nothing!"

Joon shrugged and looked out her window and saw a rather attractive young guy perched on a branch, not pretending to be a bird or anything, but just sitting there randomly. He was dressed as if he jumped out of a 1920s movie, but he was in color instead of black and white.

He just stared back at her with his big ol' brown eyes as if it were the only thing he knew how to do.

"Woah…" Joon muttered.

"What?" Benny asked from the driver's side, not noticing the strange hot guy in the tree.

"Uh, nothing. I…thought I saw an obese squirrel."

"Oh."

The mysterious guy in the tree watched the car until it turned a corner and disappeared from view.

"EEEEK! THERE'S A STALKER IN THE TREE!" screamed a lady from inside the house.

"Wait—" he began but was struck with a flying blow-dryer and toppled backwards out of the tree and landed on the ground with a crack.

§

Benny, a rather severely disfigured and scarred Eric, and their two other friends, Mike and Thomas, were gathered around their portable poker table playing cards. For the record, Mike and Thomas are also "happy".

"Doody doody doo…" Benny sang as he studied his hand.

"Will you hurry up?" Mike prodded impatiently making his goldfish laugh.

"Oh all right. I'll take two," Benny said as he took two of his cards out and slid them across the table.

"Jeez. Took you long enough," Mike grumbled, collecting Benny's cards and giving him two new ones.

"I think his brain stopped," Thomas wise-assed, making Mike's goldfish laugh even harder.

"You're the one who asked for five cards," Eric reminded him, taking a drag from a joint.

"I had a bad hand, okay?"

"So what's this I hear about you getting a new housekeeper?" Mike asked.

"Jeez, another one? Maybe you should just dump your sister off at one of those group homes or something," Thomas suggested.

"Well, I've thought about it but I don't think she'd like it there."

"Who cares? At least you'll be free and happy," Mike said.

"Yeah, and that's all it really boils down to," Eric added.

"Hey, guys?" Joon called from the floor to which she was chained. "I can hear you. You don't need to talk about me like I'm not here."

"But I just don't want her to go crazy in there and end up burning down the place," Benny said, completely ignoring her.

"That's not YOUR problem," Mike shrugged.

"Yeah, now let's get back to the game," Eric said.

Benny reached into his pile of belongings written on pieces of paper and pulled one out and placed it in the center of the table. "Two tickets to the Police reunion concert in Toronto."

"Whoop. I'm out," Eric promptly decided, tossing his cards down.

"I'm out too," Thomas seconded, doing the same.

"Yeah, me too," agreed Mike.

"Oh come on! You guys can't do that!" Benny objected.

"Well, you're going to win anyways!" Mike pointed out.

"What makes you think I'm going to win?"

"Come on, nobody bets that much unless they got a pretty good hand," Eric said.

"What are you talking about? I'm bluffing!"

The three guys exchanged glances. "…Really?"

"Yeah, come on. Play, you guys."

Eric began to snicker as he recollected his cards.

"A $20 gift certificate to Victoria's Secret," Mike proclaimed, tossing down a piece of paper. "Show them."

"Full house, bitch!" Benny announced triumphantly and took the opportunity of pointing and laughing in their dejected faces.

Thomas burst into tears as Eric fell over in his chair laughing. Mike only scowled bitterly.

"You said you were bluffing," he grumbled.

His goldfish pointed a fin and laughed at him too.

"Wait a minute," Benny said. "What are you doing with a gift certificate to Victoria's Secret?"

"It's for my girlfriend," Mike shrugged casually.

"Your girlfriend?!" Thomas exclaimed. "I thought you were gay!"

A look of panic took over Mike's face. "Did—did I say girlfriend? I meant my…my husband."

"HUSBAND!" Eric screeched right before he went into another fit of uproarious laughter.

Everybody in the room stared at his writhing body.

"Maybe six joints was too much," Thomas told Benny, which caused Eric to laugh even harder.

"All right, all right. Do you have to laugh at everything?" Mike asked.

"How about another hand," Benny suggested, shuffling the cards. "You in, Eric?"

Eric only screamed and pounded the floor.

"Ah, screw you."

And so they dealt the cards and all that other junk. As they did this, the author decided to skip over a bunch of junk from the movie and cut to the unimportant part.

"Ball of lint," Mike stated, tossing in a piece of paper.

"One of the original copies of the Constitution," said Benny.

"I fold," Thomas sighed.

"Do you EVER stay in, you pussy?" Benny asked, causing both the goldfish and Eric to laugh.

"Medieval jousting helmet."

§

Soon thereafter and several attempts at spelling the word 'medieval', Joon was found wearing the helmet whilst making her gourmet breakfast of peanut butter, chocolate chips, bananas, birdseed, orange peels, coffee grinds, a volleyball, and a hint of ground cinnamon. When she turned on the blender, the grotesque mixture turned an unappetizing shade of gray with several unsightly chunks. Not to mention the foul odor of cornchips and BO it was thickly emitting into the air.

…Are you vomiting yet?

Joon poured the sour mixture into a bowl and looked up at the readers, watching her with pale green faces.

"You thought I was going to drink it, didn't you?" she asked, smiling. Then she turned and looked around the kitchen. "Sparky! Here, boy! Come here, Sparky! …Oh, wait…I don't have a dog."

She then shrugged, lifted the helmet from her face and guzzled down the drink, making all the readers grab a nearby garbage can puke into it until they had nothing left in their stomachs.

* * *

GollumRox opened her mouth to explain the delay in her posting, turned to notice the TV and immediately forgot what she was going to say and watched it.

MOO-HOOOOOON!

Ewan smacked himself in the forehead.


End file.
